Rain
by Dhampir72
Summary: [Allencentric.] A storm plagues headquarters. And Allen. Too bad everyone's too busy to notice. Well...except one person. Slight LaviAllen.


Title: Rain

Summary: Allencentric. A storm plagues headquarters. And Allen. Too bad everyone's too busy to notice. Well, except one person. Slight Lavi/Allen.

Rating: PG/PG-13

Content: Not much. Mostly angst. It could be Lavi/Allen, but only if you squint and think really dirty.

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It was another one of those dreams again. The ones that were too dark and distant and fragmented to fully remember, and yet, he always knew what they were about: the ones where Mana's face could barely be seen and his voice was an echo of a faded memory. It was the one that started all the other ones, all of which ended in basically the same way: Mana's untimely death and Allen's despair so great it lead to betrayal. These dreams—no, these memories—were difficult to watch and remember. They haunted him almost every night, waking him at odd hours of the late evening and early morning, drenched in sweat, shaking and shivering.

More than once, Allen had felt the dream was real, the pain as suffocating as it was back then, the tears just as hot on his cheeks, the ache of the bleeding wound on his face. Most of the time, sleep did not return to him and Allen would watch the sunrise with itchy eyes and tired shoulders. He found it harder to smile as the days went on and the missions exhausted him. Not only that, but the dreams normally left him sick, and he found that the thought of food nauseated him. This worried almost everyone, especially Jerry, who felt like he lost a part of him when Allen's extravagant orders no longer entered his kitchen and he was forced into preparing the usual banal orders of the others.

Jerry said things and Lenalee said things and Komui and some of the guys in the science department said things too. Bookman even offered him some sort of weird root to put in his tea so he'd get his appetite back while Komui threatened to operate on him more than once if his condition did not improve and Lenalee was constantly reminding him that, as a parasite type, he needed a lot of food for energy or else he'd be unable to activate his Innocence.

Then there were the others that said nothing. Not because they didn't notice, but perhaps because they didn't know how to bring it up. Or maybe because they felt it wasn't their place to. The Finders were just as friendly with him as always, and Toma and some of the others had invited him over more than once to come eat with them. But at his lack of appetite they instead filled their conversation with information about their missions and tales of the road. Allen would smile politely and enjoy their company while pushing food around on his plate, but they still didn't say anything.

Kanda also didn't say anything; he just glared at Allen with more intensity than usual, but Allen didn't have the energy to challenge his stares.

Allen knew that Lavi knew something was wrong, but the redhead didn't press him on the subject. For that, Allen was grateful and sometimes took sanctuary in the library with Lavi, hidden behind mountains of books and papers. There it was quiet and only sometimes Allen could feel Lavi's gaze on him, and he would hide his blue eyes behind whatever book he was pretending to read.

It was during these times in the library that they were both quiet, only stopping to talk maybe over coffee. Sometimes they didn't talk at all. But Allen found that the coffee calmed him down a little and he was actually able to eat some snacks. Once he was actually able to eat a whole plate by himself, but afterwards he felt embarrassed about it. But Lavi looked pleased and tried to hide it, but failed and attempted to look busy doing whatever apprentice-like things he had to do.

This went on for several days. But one day, Allen was nearly lost in a sea of leather-bound volumes that Bookman had steadily been piling up on Lavi's desk. Lavi had to save the young Exorcist from being literally crushed beneath the huge tomes. After that, Allen took residence in a plush chair far from Lavi's workplace where he could look out the window. He watched the clouds day by day get darker and heavier with rain. And day by day it seemed like Lavi slowly began to disappear further and further behind the wall of books on his desk until Allen couldn't even see him anymore. Allen couldn't feel Lavi's gaze on him anymore either. But he could hear the scratching of Lavi's quill and the rather loud swearing matches between him and Bookman in various foreign languages.

Then it started to rain relentlessly. It seemed like the days were too long and the missions too scarce and the tension was rising between friends and co-workers. People were short with one another sometimes and there were more than a few explosions in the science department. No one really looked like they were sleeping all that much and Lenalee, who was normally chipper and cheerful, looked almost murderous at times and defeated in others. Kanda was the only one who seemed to be unaffected, and as everyone was struggling with their own workload, he spent his time wherever it was he normally went.

But Komui was feeling like a "trapped princess" and Lavi was so sleep deprived he looked like death and Jerry, out of boredom, began making al sorts of strange dishes that most people didn't have names for. But it was good for Allen because no one was consumed with trying to help him anymore and his strange behavior wasn't so strange compared to everyone else.

The only people who left headquarters were the Finders, and they hated going out in the rain on investigations. And when they would come back, most of the time they would return empty handed and with wicked colds.

Finally, a mission came in and it seemed like everyone jumped for it, the cabin fever gripping them so tightly that they would do almost anything just to get away. But Kanda was the only one who got to go and everyone couldn't help their jealous looks directed at his back as he left.

During this time, the dreams kept coming and Allen was losing even more sleep than before. But at this point, if you didn't have rings beneath your eyes, you were glared at with jealously and sometimes hostility.

Jerry's foods kept getting crazier and rainbow colored while the science department was practically running on empty, trying for once to actually catch up while there weren't so many missions to document. Komui still had the energy to whine though, and it took Lenalee a snapped nerve and a few good kicks with her Dark Boots to keep him from building anything that even resembled a Komurin.

That afternoon, Allen found Lavi barely conscious at his desk, crouched over a long scroll of parchment covered with tiny scrawl. His five o'clock shadow alerting Allen that Lavi hadn't slept in a while, or hadn't had the time to shave in the morning if he did sleep. But judging from the older boy's rumpled appearance Allen deduced that Lavi hadn't moved from his spot in a few days. He tried to get Lavi to lie down, or at least rest for a little while, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't pry the quill from Lavi's clenched hand.

"Just a little more and I'll be done. Just a little more…" Lavi was muttering in some sort of mantra, claiming he was almost done, but looking like he had a lot more to go.

But before Allen could say anything, Bookman came and shooed him away from the library, leaving Lavi behind in his prison of paper and tomes. Allen didn't say anything, but he noticed that Bookman looked even more tired than usual as well.

Then that night it was like Allen couldn't sleep at all, because he knew he would dream again. He would remember again. And he didn't want to.

So he tried to fill his sleepless nights by helping out in the science department, but there seemed to be no specific order to anything, and yet there was some system that he wasn't getting. He spent most of his time running papers back and forth to Komui so he could authorize them. But Komui was adamant and spent his time coming up with ways to avoid stamping the papers and files Allen brought to him. Allen then understood why people like Reever looked so tired with Komui's antics all the time.

Even at the end of his exhausting night, Allen couldn't sleep. Mana's face and the thoughts of the dreams coming lurked behind his eyes. All he could do was thrash around in a tangle of bed sheets until he eventually gave up trying.

Soon afterwards, everyone reached the point where instant coffee took too long and even when someone told Komui that Lenalee was getting married, it seemed like it took that and a cattle prod to actually wake him up. At this point, the members that made up the science department were hooked up to IV bags filled with pure caffeine in order to keep them awake for the long stretches.

"Why are you guys pushing yourselves so hard anyways? You guys can stop and take a break, can't you? I mean, filing and documenting can wait, can't it?" Allen asked one afternoon, after a particularly long night helping out.

"We're behind," Reever began, not looking at Allen as he scratched his head and studied his clipboard. "Well, actually, we've always been behind, but we're really behind now. We need to get all of this old stuff taken care of because we're going to be swamped pretty soon."

"What? Why?" Allen asked; sleepless nights had left him a little out of it.

"All this business with the Millennium Earl and the Clan of Noah is going to generate a flood of paperwork. When that happens, we'll never catch up if we're still where we are now," Reever answered, indicating the seemingly never-ending piles and stacks of files and papers that needed authorization and organization.

"Aha!" laughed Johnny as he walked by, shaking so badly when he chuckled that his IV stand rattled noisily. "You said flood. Get it? Clan of Noah…from The Great Flood…ahahaa!"

Then it was obvious that the lack of sleep was breeding the birth of bad puns and cheap amusement. But Allen was impressed with the science department nonetheless: he never knew that they thought so far ahead. So he tried to do his part by helping them the best way he knew how, which sometimes required him to squeeze their IV bags so they could get their last little push before reloading.

Kanda came back a few days later and reported his findings to Komui, who had to be kept awake with what had to be almost lethal doses of caffeine.

That was the day that Lavi collapsed from under the pressure and Bookman nearly lost it himself because he was backed up enough as it was without a burned out apprentice. So Bookman gave Lavi some tea that must have contained the ingredients something akin to speed because Lavi couldn't stop even if he wanted to after that and even when the sores on his writing hand opened up and started to bleed from the excessive friction.

That night, Allen didn't even think about sleeping and the hectic routine became a sort of escape from his thoughts and the guilt that he felt when he dreamed about Mana. Even though his body was achy and his eyes were itchy with tiredness and his head was all cloudy from lack of rest, Allen didn't even go up to his room for fear that the exhaustion would take over and plunge him back into the darkness.

The science department was getting even more hectic as the rainy days stretched on, with more than a few members falling victim to hysteria. Lenalee was sent out on a mission with some Finders just because she couldn't be at headquarters anymore. So Allen took over bringing everyone coffee and shots of espresso and carrying documents back and forth to Komui.

He went back into the library where Lavi's speed high had started to fade and it seemed like the side affects made him even more tired than before he crashed. Not to mention that Lavi was shaking so badly from either his lack of food and sleep or the fact that the library was so cold that he couldn't write. Allen tried to get Lavi to rest again, but the other boy was stubborn and shrugged him off, draping his coat around his shoulders and tying his scarf around his neck.

That night, Allen didn't sleep again, no matter how much his body protested his obvious boycott against rest. He vouched for sitting up in his room and watching the rain as it fell, beating against the window in his room. Allen could only watch as the raindrops streamed down the glass and when he saw his face in its reflection he turned his head away. Even looking at himself, Allen felt a dull ache in his chest when he saw that scar that graced his face. It was a reminder of Mana and the curse that he had placed upon him.

He had to walk. It was too painful to stand still. So he stood and left his room, walking aimlessly around the hallways. He could hear the movement in the science department and Komui's whining and the almost lethargic moaning of the others. He could hear Lavi's quill scratching away in the library and Bookman's slow, shuffled steps. He could hear the rain outside and the wind howling and the echoes of his footsteps in the empty corridor. He didn't know where he was and he stopped.

Mana's face was before his eyes again, but only barely because it was like Allen couldn't remember what Mana's face looked like anymore. And Allen could hear his voice: _"Allen, my son. I love you…Please destroy me."_ Those words were ringing painfully in his ears, mingling in with the demented symphony that surrounded him.

His tired eyes were hot and scratchy and the tears just came of their own accord. He couldn't stop them. He was too weak to. And he couldn't stop himself from collapsing to the floor where he knelt on his knees and wept as silently as he could. He didn't know how long he sat there, crying and clutching at his chest because it felt like if he didn't his heart was just going to break right out of his body and then wither and die on the floor in front of him. But he stayed there for however long it was, kneeling on the cold ground in the middle of the hall, trying not to make a sound, but with all his heart wishing that he could scream out his sorrow.

Just when it felt like the coldness was gripping him too tightly and the guilt and pain were going to destroy him, Allen heard the sound of footsteps and felt warmth around him as someone's coat was draped over his shoulders. He felt that person touch his back gently and Allen tried to hide his face from them, even though they had probably already seen his tears.

The person coaxed him to stand, but he was shaky on his feet. His body and mind finally admitting defeat to exhaustion. Strong arms scooped him up and he was carried away, not unlike a bride. But no matter what he did, the tears kept coming and he could only curl up into that person's warm chest, hanging there limply like a rag doll.

It wasn't long before he was laid down on something soft. It must have been a bed, because he felt like the softness was going to swallow him up whole and devour his tired body. He could feel his boots being unzipped and his vest being removed. His tie was taken from around his neck and the top buttons of his shirt were undone. The cool air from the room he was in chilled his skin and made him shiver. A warm blanket was placed over him, cocooning him in comfortable heat.

Long, cool fingers stroked his bangs away from his forehead before brushing away Allen's tears tenderly. He opened his swollen eyes half-way, but he could only see a blurred figure beside him with red hair.

"La…vi…?" he asked sleepily, exhaustion taking its toll.

He blinked a few times, clearing his vision a little. Allen could tell that he was back in his own room. Lavi came into sharper focus as well. He could see a deep, tired bruise under Lavi's only visible eye. The rest of him looked haggard, all unshaven and disheveled. But he smiled tiredly at Allen, looking strange with stubble and that pale complexion.

"You should get some sleep. It'll probably do you good," Lavi said.

Lavi didn't mention anything about his crying and for that, Allen was grateful. But the thought of sleep where he would have to face Mana again made him fear dreaming. He shook his head like a defiant child.

"I think you're the only one in this place who would say that."

Allen felt instantly guilty, looking at Lavi's worn expression and remembering the exhausted members of the science department and Komui who might have actually fallen into a sleep-deprived torpor as the result of pushing too much caffeine and no real food.

He felt selfish and closed his eyes, but Mana was there and his voice was resonating painfully in Allen's whole body. _"I love you…Please…destroy me…"_

The tears came again, just as raw and painful as they always were. Allen turned on his side, curling up with his back to Lavi, not wanting him to see. But he felt Lavi's hand on his shoulder, comforting and warm, which only seemed to make Allen tremble and cry even more. He felt the mattress dip a little as Lavi sat down on the bed next to him. Lavi was rubbing his back and Allen was trying his hardest to stop his sobbing.

After what seemed like forever, he managed to get himself under control. The only things he could hear were the rain and the sound of his own, hitched breathing. But Lavi didn't say anything and he didn't move and Allen didn't move either. Even when Allen's breathing wasn't so erratic and the rain pounding on the roof increased so much is sounded like hail.

"Thanks," Allen murmured weakly, after a long stretch of silence.

"For what?" Lavi, the good friend as always.

He felt Lavi get up and the absence of warmth from the hand that had been on his shoulder made Allen feel cold again. He didn't want Lavi to leave. And that was selfish.

"Lavi…" Allen began, but stopped himself. "Never mind…"

But he heard a chair scrape against the floor towards the bed.

"I'll stay," Lavi said.

Lavi always knew. How did he always know? But it made Allen feel bad too, making Lavi stay. He knew that Lavi was tired and had too much work waiting for him back in the library and that his little break (probably the only one he'd had in days) was going to get him an earful from Bookman.

"It's okay. I don't mind," Lavi answered the unasked question.

He couldn't figure out how Lavi always seemed to know. Allen heard him shift slightly. He knew that the other boy was probably uncomfortable, propped up in that straight backed wooden chair. And it was cold, too, with the rain and the draft that sometimes came through the window.

"Lavi," Allen began when the silence seemed too heavy, pressing him either to sleep or speak.

"Yeah?" Lavi answered, his voice low and tired, something Allen had never heard before.

"If you want…" Allen trailed off, flushing a little as he pulled the blankets back in an inviting gesture.

There was another moment of silence and Allen felt embarrassed, searching for words in his tired brain for words of apology. But then he heard Lavi unbuckling his boots and felt the other boy slide into bed next to him with a tired sigh.

"Are you okay?" Allen asked, his back still to the redhead.

"It's been a while since I've been horizontal," Lavi chuckled weakly.

A silence again settled over them.

"Are you okay?" Lavi asked.

Allen thought a little while before he spoke.

"Yes," he replied.

"Mm," Lavi said.

More silence.

"Why were you crying?" Lavi asked.

Allen didn't answer.

"That's okay. You don't have to tell me, if you don't wanna," Lavi said.

"I—" Allen began, looking for the right words to explain himself. "I-I was thinking about someone dear to me…who…who I lost…a long time ago."

He felt Lavi shift next to him and then Lavi's arm was around his waist and his nose was in Allen's hair. It was a comfortable embrace.

"I think we all have someone like that. But maybe that's why we do what we do," Lavi said, and when he spoke, his lips brushed against Allen's neck softly.

Allen's eyes widened in realization and then clouded with tears again. But they weren't tears of despair this time.

"_Allen…just keep walking. Always. Always keep walking."_

"Lavi…do you…have someone like that?" Allen asked.

But Lavi was breathing deeply and evenly now. Allen knew he had fallen asleep and said no more, relaxing in Lavi's comfortable warmth.

"I'll keep walking, Mana. I won't be sad…anymore…" Allen said softly to the darkness.

His eyes closed and he smiled ever-so-slightly. Because that was the night that Allen was finally able to sleep and when he woke in the morning, still wrapped in Lavi's arms, the sun was shining brightly.

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Yay! My attempt at a longer fanfiction. I have to say that I'm proud of myself. I think I'll celebrate by eating some muffins.

If you'd like to, leave me a review (warm muffins for you.) If not, well, I hope you enjoyed yourself. No muffins for you.

dhampir72


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